A Perfect recipe for a Perfect Family

You will need:
1 large house
3-6 people, depending on how long you want to wait for it to be done
3 cups of pets
2 cups of patience
3 ounces of anger/frustration
3 quarts of laughter
4 teaspoons of trust
And last but definitely not least,
Lots and lots of love

First, open the house, and make sure that it will be the right size for your family. Mix the desired amount of people with the pets, carefully so you don’t damage them. In a separate bowl, stir the love and laughter together. Set aside. Taking each person separately, evenly distribute the patience and trust, making sure that each one gets an equal amount (Failure to distribute evenly may lead to different recipe! See recipe for “My impatient family” for details…). Carefully open the bottle of anger/frustration. Using a Q-tip, dab small portions of the anger/frustration onto each person. Lastly, take the love and laughter and sprinkle it all over the house, pets, and people. Let sit until all parts of the recipe are thoroughly combined, and voila! Your Perfect Family is complete.

My life in a few Funny Words

Every day I am bombarded
In each direction that I turn
By those who claim that EXERCISE
Causes flab to crash and burn

I did jumping jacks and sit ups
Went out and bought that dam machine
The one that guarantees in 30 days
I'd be trim and fit and lean...

I put it in the extra room
That we affectionately call the "gym"
With all the other paraphenalia
That will one day make me slim!

Ab mats for doing crunches
A small tramp to run in place
That awful, go-nowhere pedaling bike
That only leaves me red of face!

I have workout clothes and sweat bands
Even a "get-fit" coffee cup!
But that scale hasn't budged an inch
So, I'm on the verge of giving up!

I've just about convinced myself
That it's true what some folks say...
You have heard it too......Eat Right!
Get Fit? Die anyway!!

So for those who are devoted
To trying to make me over, PLEASE!
If God wanted me to touch my toes
He would have put them on my knees!

I believe He loves us as we are
That includes both big AND small
So when I reach the gates of Heaven
It will be with flab and all!